Sometimes the grief sneaks up on you. Years later. Long after all logic would dictate that it is ancient history. It's never ancient history. It's always there. Like scares that still itch in certain weather. Maybe thats ok. The itch tells us there is healing. The open wound is no longer hemeraging. Today the skys [...]
Category: saying goodbye
Birth Stone Tree for Thanksgiving
This time of year always makes me very reflective. The last gasp of quiet air before jumping into the raging ocean that is the holidays. The fact that it's gray and brown outside helps further set the mood. Once the powdery snow falls for real and weights down the sleeping branches, I suddenly feel a [...]
Roots That Grow
I still have moments where I feel home sick. Jon told me this week he was missing g the lake, yes the lake, and so much more. But this, this moment, it feels worth it. Keenan crawling in the grass, the older boys across the street playing with the neighbor kid. Roots. Real roots.
Words to a Friend on the Day “IT” Happens
You're going to be here for a while, Buried under grief. Feeling like it will never end. Then, Suddenly, or so it might seem.. you won't be here any more. It doesn't happen all at once. It's a slow crawl. Too slow to see close up, Visible only by perceptual distance. It's will [...]
Rollercoasters
The middle of a roller coaster is the worst. When your stomach is already in your throat. When you are sitting on the very tip of yet another hill, just before the dive. When all you see are tracks rising and diving into the horizon. I hate roller coaster rides at amusement parks. I never [...]
Saying Hello
Driving home last night from Riah's T-ball game I turned on JohnnySwim, Diamonds. A disc that hasn't meant a lot to me over the last few months. As I'm listening to the song again, I'm tearing up, again. But this time its different. A thought occurs to me... After two years of saying goodbye in [...]
Never Really Out of the Woods
As of yesterday we're about as public as it gets. Jon posted a pic on Facebook of Azariah telling a story to my belly. It was a happy 5th birthday to Riah post with a little surprise-we're-pregnant thrown in. So of course last night I had a vivd nightmare that I had a late term [...]
Weird Moments
I finally got brave enough a while back to download one of those pregnancy tracker apps. I felt like acknowledging that this is real, might make it all go away. So here is the new weird moment. Weird moments are these fleeting thoughts that run through my head and then I wonder to myself if [...]
Telling the Boys
We had our first pre-natal appointment a couple days ago. We debated for a while whether or not to tell Riah. Ultimately, we ended up telling him about the new baby in mommy's tummy. His reaction was hard to gauge. After some questions he assured us he was excited and happy. He pet my stomach [...]
Morning/Afternoon/All-Freaking-Day Sickness
This time around has definitely been the hardest. Not sure why. On the one hand I'm thankful for the constant assurance that I am most definitely still pregnant, but at the same time, it's really hard to keep functioning! I remember having a little nausea with Riah, enough to give me an excuse to be [...]
Me In Progress 