Sweet Child of Mine

Sometimes the grief sneaks up on you. Years later. Long after all logic would dictate that it is ancient history. It's never ancient history. It's always there. Like scares that still itch in certain weather. Maybe thats ok. The itch tells us there is healing. The open wound is no longer hemeraging. Today the skys [...]

Birth Stone Tree for Thanksgiving

This time of year always makes me very reflective. The last gasp of quiet air before jumping into the raging ocean that is the holidays. The fact that it's gray and brown outside helps further set the mood. Once the powdery snow falls for real and weights down the sleeping branches, I suddenly feel a [...]

Words to a Friend on the Day “IT” Happens

You're going to be here for a while, Buried under grief. Feeling like it will never end. Then, Suddenly, or so it might seem.. you won't be here any more.   It doesn't happen all at once. It's a slow crawl. Too slow to see close up, Visible only by perceptual distance.   It's will [...]

Saying Hello

Driving home last night from Riah's T-ball game I turned on JohnnySwim, Diamonds. A disc that hasn't meant a lot to me over the last few months. As I'm listening to the song again, I'm tearing up, again. But this time its different. A thought occurs to me... After two years of saying goodbye in [...]

Never Really Out of the Woods

As of yesterday we're about as public as it gets. Jon posted a pic on Facebook of Azariah telling a story to my belly. It was a happy 5th birthday to Riah post with a little surprise-we're-pregnant thrown in. So of course last night I had a vivd nightmare that I had a late term [...]

Weird Moments

I finally got brave enough a while back to download one of those pregnancy tracker apps. I felt like acknowledging that this is real, might make it all go away. So here is the new weird moment. Weird moments are these fleeting thoughts that run through my head and then I wonder to myself if [...]

Telling the Boys

We had our first pre-natal appointment a couple days ago. We debated for a while whether or not to tell Riah. Ultimately, we ended up telling him about the new baby in mommy's tummy. His reaction was hard to gauge. After some questions he assured us he was excited and happy. He pet my stomach [...]

This Could Happen

I was at the doctors office the other day getting blood work done. All the usual prenatal tests. Poor nurse had to work for every drop of blood. Darn me, an my tiny veins. There was a lady in the waiting room with a baby. He was crawling around and pulling himself up. Mostly he [...]

Code Talk

"I gotta go pee." is code for... "It's been half an hour, I want to go make sure I'm still not bleeding." I hope I'm not the only one who does this.

“How are You?” II

Some times simple questions become hard to answer. "How are you doing?" In my head I think "well, still pregnant." But it's too much to say out loud. Partly because it just requires too much energy to put it all into words. Partly because my heart...ok maybe my pride... just can't take pity look, the [...]