While working today, I am trying to listen to some music. A little while ago Jon put a whole bunch of Jesus Culture music on my computer. I LOVE the sound of Kim Walker-Smith’s voice. In the not so distant past I would have been in love with every song and every verse, and even now I feel the old me trying hard to break through, but its a struggle.
Every song that starts up in just another reminder of how much I have changed, how conflicted I feel at my very core. this wrestling internal wrestling match isn’t likely to end soon…part of my just wants to say “screw it!” and publish this post publicly and let the whole world know that I am doubting. That the skeptic in my head is no longer on the leash, that I’m letting that voice run wild. I’m not saying that I am an atheist…but I get it.
Singing about a guy who lived 2000 years ago. proclaiming deep love for someone separated from us by a deep cultural and historical divide. Can we please just acknowledge that, at least from the outside, it looks absolutely crazy!
At the same time, I’m feeling beat up enough wrestling with myself, I have no interest in trying to wrestle with anyone else. Well meaning people, with the most loving intentions possible, bent on bringing my wondering soul back into the light.
…I don’t want to go back
Didn’t Jacob wrestle with God in the desert before becoming Isreal, he walked about with a limp but a true view of the world. ha, oh even now I use biblical analogies. And I guess that illustrates perfectly where I am at right now. Rejecting a literal bible and questioning a literal God, but still in love with the deeper truths under every word in scripture.
I don’t know what to hold onto anymore, but there is a lot about this faith I just can’t let go of…at least not now, hopefully never…
Me In Progress 