I am an inconvenience. This is the lie.
Spoken in my mind over and over. Day in, day out.
Not in words. The words are the deepest hardest to dig up roots. It was surfacing as that bristling feeling, I couldn’t quite place why I felt that bristle so strongly at such minor provocation.
Phrases like “I’ll try” or “I guess I’ll have to.” Feel like a knife. I feel like these responses to a request I have made require me to apologies. Because I am an inconvience again.
My value is in staying out of the way. The lie.
Written in so much of my history. This lie is the reason I hang back. Why I feel surprised to hear that old classmates or coworkers remember me. I’m not surprised to find out someone likes or dislikes me. I’m surprised to find out they remember who I was at all.
I’m having a hard time separating this lie about my own worth from the truth about humility and it’s value. I have disgusted this lie as humility for too long so now I can’t really tell the difference.
Come back to that.
Old curses pass on. I feel myself doing the same. Even today, in my desperation to write, to process, to exhale. I had to stop myself from using that tone with the boys as they as needed and needed again. I had to stop myself from using that tone that says “you are inconveniencing me. I have important things to do.”
I hear myself doing to them what I fear others might do to me. I do it every day, in million little ways.
It has to stop. And I guess the best way to stop is to root out this lie in myself.
Drag it into the light and plant something real.
Me In Progress 